- RT @NikiWithIssues: My fingers are always in the mood to masturbate, even when I'm not. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @yoyoha: Dear Women,
We don't say this enough, but thank you. For not killing us in our sleep.
Love, Men #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital. #
- RT @MrFornicator: I saw a sign that said "Hiring for every position"… so I went in and applied for doggy style. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert. #
- RT @Failtext: I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. #
- RT @GiggleFlower: Love comes in spurts. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire. #
- RT @Laughbook: Dont think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey #
- RT @picturecool: I buy these so I can keep them in the pantry for 5 months then throw them away. #photo http://t.co/kXFJwSJp #
- RT @Laughbook: Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. #
- RT @Laughbook: Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues. #
- RT @Laughbook: I put LOL, LMAO, LMFAO. But I sit there with a straight face. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Not trying to be rude, but your d*ck gets less action then a white crayon. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: I miss the days when you could push someone in a pool without having to worry about their iPhone!.. #
- RT @NathansReality: Shrink: what swimming suits do when they’re stored for the winter. #
- RT @Failtext: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels! #
- RT @HerPersonalSun: When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot……………………but I always found them! #
- RT @NathansReality: no matter how fast you run Micheal Myers WILL walk faster #
- No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone….you answer it. #
- RT @autocorrects: your so fat you sat on an ipod and made it an ipad. #
- RT @autocorrects: I'd rather carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than make two trips #
- RT @autocorrects: Good girls are bad girls that NEVER GET CAUGHT. #
- RT @autocorrects: When I was a kid I……..no wait, I still do that. #
- RT @autocorrects: I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games. #
- RT @autocorrects: Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing. #
- RT @autocorrects: Dear Milk, you make me wet. Sincerely Cereal. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: Today, I saw 2 twins. One had a shirt that said "Copy" &; the other one had a shirt that said "Paste". #
- RT @NathansReality: I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…I probably don't need a receipt. #
- RT @NathansReality: Yeah, I cry after sex…pepper spray will do that to you. #
- RT @Failtext: Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn…?" #
- RT @NathansReality: I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun & freedom. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @robfee: LSU and the Saints lose?? This has got to be the worst week EVER for Louisiana! Or…maybe second worst? #
- RT @TheNightGallery: "Oh, I don't need you. I've got friends of my own. Upstairs. In the attic." #GalleryQuotes #
- RT @DrTwittenheimer: I'm so awesome, my dreams follow me. #
- RT @SarcasticRylie: As if there wasn't enough stacked against me ever finding a boyfriend, I discovered dandruff this morning. #
- RT @Lifeinsandbox: The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died. #
- RT @NathansReality: Dear Dora, You're bilingual at age 4, and you seriously can't see the orange tree?! Sincerely, It's right there! #
- RT @comedyortruth: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod. #
- RT @NathansReality: Oh, you're cooler than me? Then I guess that makes me hotter than you. #
- RT @comedybot: If God dropped acid, would he see people? -George Carlin ☺ #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Sending a risky text & thinking "oh god, they hate me," if they don't respond within 30 seconds. #
- RT @comedyortruth: Drugs & alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me- "What are you doing this weekend?" #
- RT @SamGrittner: Pretty much my only concerns in life are not getting hit by oncoming traffic or getting my iPhone wet. #
- RT @comedyortruth: I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure. #
- RT @comedyortruth: Does Dora's mother ever wonder where her 6 year old is & why her only friends are animals? #
- RT @YouPorn: An Orgasm, like a Heart Attack, is an intense series of involuntary muscle contractions commonly followed by a long, deep sleep #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: That confusing moment When you wake up from a nap and you don't know what day it is. #
- RT @Laughbook: Cool story bro! Put it in the History books with all the other boring shit I don't care about. #
- RT @NathansReality: just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant" #
- RT @donni: I assume "making love out of nothing at all" means masturbation. #
- RT @Laughbook: are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today. #
- RT @NathansReality: Why do we have to be quiet during a fire drill? Will the fire hear us? #
- RT @Laughbook: I`m not lazy, I`m on energy saving mode. #
- RT @Laughbook: I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem. #
- RT @NathansReality: The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have. #
- RT @NathansReality: Want to know if the girl you like likes you back? Watch her reaction when you tell her that you'd bang her best friend. #
- RT @Failtext: I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it…so I said "Implants?" #
- RT @funnyhumour: My mates bet me a hundred quid I wouldn't take five Viagra tabs at once. I thought, ''How hard can it be?'' #
- RT @idillionaire: When shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin'. #
- RT @clarkekant: I've been lying on this couch so long, my living room may as well be called my dying room. #
- RT @Failtext: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. #
- RT @Failtext: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it? #
- RT @Failtext: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. #
- RT @Failtext: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. #
- RT @Failtext: After the game,
the king and the pawn go into the same box. # - RT @Failtext: Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. #
- RT @clarkekant: Don't try to tell me you believe in God, but you're not superstitious. #
- RT @RealChuckie: The awkward moment when, someones yelling at you and your just sitting there, laughing
# - RT @Kyle_Lippert: You haven't done the job right unless she leaves a snail trail on the ground from the bed to the bathroom. #
- RT @NathansReality: looking for a Hontas on facebook because it would be pretty cool to
POKE A HONTAS # - RT @JordyHamrick: The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch. #
- RT @Laughbook: Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything. #