- RT @Laughbook: Tom, it's been thirty years man..you're never going to eat Jerry… #
- RT @BestAt: RT @thesulk: I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me. #
- RT @clarkekant: The only way boobs could be any better is if they could shoot laser beams and dispense coffee. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: When I die I want my tombstone to say… “BRB”
^__^ # - RT @funnyoneliners: The nice thing about living in a small town is if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. #
- RT @clarkekant: When I die, I hope my brain doesn't play back all the conversations I've had with myself. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: I'm good at multitasking. I can drop my phone, spill my coffee, wreck the car and yell, "OH DAMN" at the same time #
- RT @JerryThomas: Most days I'd rather be sitting under a bridge and pestering billy goats. #
- RT @Failtext: Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. #
- RT @NathansReality: When someone tells you it's impossible for you to do something, prove them wrong. #
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-25
January 25th, 2012
No Comments
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-18
January 18th, 2012
No Comments
- RT @NikiWithIssues: My fingers are always in the mood to masturbate, even when I'm not. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @yoyoha: Dear Women,
We don't say this enough, but thank you. For not killing us in our sleep.
Love, Men #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital. #
- RT @MrFornicator: I saw a sign that said "Hiring for every position"… so I went in and applied for doggy style. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert. #
- RT @Failtext: I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. #
- RT @GiggleFlower: Love comes in spurts. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire. #
- RT @Laughbook: Dont think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey #
- RT @picturecool: I buy these so I can keep them in the pantry for 5 months then throw them away. #photo http://t.co/kXFJwSJp #
- RT @Laughbook: Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. #
- RT @Laughbook: Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues. #
- RT @Laughbook: I put LOL, LMAO, LMFAO. But I sit there with a straight face. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Not trying to be rude, but your d*ck gets less action then a white crayon. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: I miss the days when you could push someone in a pool without having to worry about their iPhone!.. #
- RT @NathansReality: Shrink: what swimming suits do when they’re stored for the winter. #
- RT @Failtext: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels! #
- RT @HerPersonalSun: When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot……………………but I always found them! #
- RT @NathansReality: no matter how fast you run Micheal Myers WILL walk faster #
- No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone….you answer it. #
- RT @autocorrects: your so fat you sat on an ipod and made it an ipad. #
- RT @autocorrects: I'd rather carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than make two trips #
- RT @autocorrects: Good girls are bad girls that NEVER GET CAUGHT. #
- RT @autocorrects: When I was a kid I……..no wait, I still do that. #
- RT @autocorrects: I grew up in the era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games. #
- RT @autocorrects: Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing. #
- RT @autocorrects: Dear Milk, you make me wet. Sincerely Cereal. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: Today, I saw 2 twins. One had a shirt that said "Copy" &; the other one had a shirt that said "Paste". #
- RT @NathansReality: I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…I probably don't need a receipt. #
- RT @NathansReality: Yeah, I cry after sex…pepper spray will do that to you. #
- RT @Failtext: Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn…?" #
- RT @NathansReality: I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun & freedom. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @robfee: LSU and the Saints lose?? This has got to be the worst week EVER for Louisiana! Or…maybe second worst? #
- RT @TheNightGallery: "Oh, I don't need you. I've got friends of my own. Upstairs. In the attic." #GalleryQuotes #
- RT @DrTwittenheimer: I'm so awesome, my dreams follow me. #
- RT @SarcasticRylie: As if there wasn't enough stacked against me ever finding a boyfriend, I discovered dandruff this morning. #
- RT @Lifeinsandbox: The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died. #
- RT @NathansReality: Dear Dora, You're bilingual at age 4, and you seriously can't see the orange tree?! Sincerely, It's right there! #
- RT @comedyortruth: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod. #
- RT @NathansReality: Oh, you're cooler than me? Then I guess that makes me hotter than you. #
- RT @comedybot: If God dropped acid, would he see people? -George Carlin ☺ #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Sending a risky text & thinking "oh god, they hate me," if they don't respond within 30 seconds. #
- RT @comedyortruth: Drugs & alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me- "What are you doing this weekend?" #
- RT @SamGrittner: Pretty much my only concerns in life are not getting hit by oncoming traffic or getting my iPhone wet. #
- RT @comedyortruth: I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure. #
- RT @comedyortruth: Does Dora's mother ever wonder where her 6 year old is & why her only friends are animals? #
- RT @YouPorn: An Orgasm, like a Heart Attack, is an intense series of involuntary muscle contractions commonly followed by a long, deep sleep #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: That confusing moment When you wake up from a nap and you don't know what day it is. #
- RT @Laughbook: Cool story bro! Put it in the History books with all the other boring shit I don't care about. #
- RT @NathansReality: just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant" #
- RT @donni: I assume "making love out of nothing at all" means masturbation. #
- RT @Laughbook: are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today. #
- RT @NathansReality: Why do we have to be quiet during a fire drill? Will the fire hear us? #
- RT @Laughbook: I`m not lazy, I`m on energy saving mode. #
- RT @Laughbook: I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem. #
- RT @NathansReality: The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have. #
- RT @NathansReality: Want to know if the girl you like likes you back? Watch her reaction when you tell her that you'd bang her best friend. #
- RT @Failtext: I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it…so I said "Implants?" #
- RT @funnyhumour: My mates bet me a hundred quid I wouldn't take five Viagra tabs at once. I thought, ''How hard can it be?'' #
- RT @idillionaire: When shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin'. #
- RT @clarkekant: I've been lying on this couch so long, my living room may as well be called my dying room. #
- RT @Failtext: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. #
- RT @Failtext: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it? #
- RT @Failtext: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. #
- RT @Failtext: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. #
- RT @Failtext: After the game,
the king and the pawn go into the same box. # - RT @Failtext: Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. #
- RT @clarkekant: Don't try to tell me you believe in God, but you're not superstitious. #
- RT @RealChuckie: The awkward moment when, someones yelling at you and your just sitting there, laughing
# - RT @Kyle_Lippert: You haven't done the job right unless she leaves a snail trail on the ground from the bed to the bathroom. #
- RT @NathansReality: looking for a Hontas on facebook because it would be pretty cool to
POKE A HONTAS # - RT @JordyHamrick: The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch. #
- RT @Laughbook: Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything. #
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-11
January 11th, 2012
No Comments
- RT @NathansReality: Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like its funny #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: 1. open the fridge, nothing to eat 2. open the pantry, nothing to eat 3. lower your standards and repeat #
- RT @JerryThomas: Love thy neighbor as thyself. But bring lots of hand sanitizer. #
- RT @NathansReality: A real man doesn't wait until he's about to lose something before he finally realizes what he has. #
- RT @lordstewie: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" "Yeah sure, just hit redial." #
- RT @Laughbook: Facebook: Saving me money on Birthday cards for 5 years. #
- RT @NathansReality: How does Justin Beiber remove a condom? He farts. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation. #
- RT @Laughbook: I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at school. #
- RT @Laughbook: Wherever you feel worthless, REMEMBER, You're the winner. You were once the quickest sperm cell. #
- RT @clarkekant: I am ON FIRE tonight! No, seriously, I really am…what is it? Stop, drop and flop? #
- RT @Failtext: Life is like riding a bicycle. You don’t fall off unless you stop pedaling. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @sbellelauren: the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing #
- RT @Failtext: Shallow minds drown in deep thought. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: best friends: they know how stupid you are and still choose to be seen with you in public #
- RT @Failtext: I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not. #
- RT @NathansReality: No shave November = Clogged Drains December #
- RT @comedybot: I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺ #
- RT @comedyortruth: Sorry about those text messages last night. My phone was drunk.. #
- RT @SlappNuttz: If heterosexuals are called straight and homosexuals are called gay, shouldn't bisexuals be called strays? #
- RT @girlposts: Yawning is your bodys way of saying: "10% battery remaining" #
- RT @Laughbook: Once I put on my headphones, my life becomes a music video. #
- RT @DarkSideIntern: I seldom fart, but when I do, it smells like pickled eggs and Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends. #
- RT @idillionaire: Some people's laugh is funnier than the joke. #
- RT @NathansReality: I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks… As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there. #
- RT @NathansReality: The brave might not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. #
- RT @idillionaire: Everyone knows someone that just doesn't have a clue. #
- RT @funnyorfact: I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down… #
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-01-04
January 4th, 2012
No Comments
- RT @BorowitzReport: POLL: Given Choice Between Romney and Santorum, Most Americans Choose Suicide #iacaucus #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: It's so funny how the people that know the least about you, are the ones that have the most to say. #
- RT @BorowitzReport: Rick Perry will finish number 5, which is three numbers higher than he can count. #iacaucus #
- RT @NathansReality: Your friends are like the buttons on an elevator. They will either take you up or they will take you down. #
- RT @Laughbook: Nice makeup, did you headbutt a chalk board? #
- RT @HerPersonalSun: My New Year's resolution is to make better bad decisions. #
- RT @NathansReality: Don't expect someone who gets around, to stick around. #
- RT @rodney_at_large: Hey Canada, can we get on top for a while? #
- RT @idillionaire: Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work. #
- RT @HerPersonalSun: Would you like to have your period through your mouth? #
- RT @comedyortruth: I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and funny as hell #
- RT @WordsOfaHooker: Just ripped my stress ball in half. #
- RT @HerPersonalSun: Sometimes I wish I was a schizophrenic so I won't die alone. #
- RT @MarkReiley: If you keep your friends close but your enemies closer, you are more likely to accidentally impregnate your enemies. #
- RT @friedmanjon: Refrigerators are a scam to sell more magnets. #
- RT @JordyHamrick: Almost positive that my dog's incessant need for handshakes stems from a deep-rooted desire to run for Mayor. #
- RT @AYYSIAN: If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. #
- RT @AYYSIAN: Dear circle, Do you ever wake up in the morning and realize your life is pointless? Sincerely, square. #
- RT @AYYSIAN: l bet the "YMCA" dance is harder to do in chinese. #
- RT @AYYSIAN: "Was it a cat I saw" is the same backwards. Mind = Blown. #
- RT @SarcasticRylie: Gonna start calling my bedroom 'The Situation Room' to make it more appealing to powerful men. #
- RT @RealChuckie: Wife: Why are you home so early? .. Husband: My boss told me to go to hell. #
- RT @funnyoneliners: My life coach told me I'd have to get one before he could coach me on it. #
- Pretty sure my attitude is because I haven't had sex since last year !!! #
- RT @comedyortruth: A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: If… Billy Mays was still alive, he'd want to party like its $19.99 #
- RT @Laughbook: we all have, that one creepy neighbor that never comes out of their house. #
- RT @NathansReality: if abortion is murder..does that make condoms kidnapping? #
- RT @comedyortruth: Worrying is so dumb. It's like carrying an umbrella waiting for it to rain. #
- RT @Laughbook: Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it… #
- RT @NathansReality: i saw a baby; wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, cause I can't read." #
- RT @Laughbook: That fail moment when you pull your blankets up & punch yourself in the face. #
- RT @NathansReality: Girl: Shut up, I wear heels bigger than your dick.
Boy: So , i wear Jordans cleaner than your pussy. # - RT @NathansReality: Life sucks. Do what makes you happy today, then tomorrow might suck less. #
- RT @funnyorfact: What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.. #
- RT @NathansReality: If pinochio said, "My nose will grow right now." What would happen?
Think about it.
Mind=Blown # - RT @NathansReality: Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes #
- RT @Smethanie: I think every adult should drink alcohol out of a sippy cup at least once in their lifetime. #
- RT @FreeDriftwood: If cleaning a dirty toilet with my pee stream means I want world peace, then yes, I guess I want world peace. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you climbed up a tree and said "OH GOD! Look how big this piece of broccoli is!" #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: Your shirt may say princess but your face says troll. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
# - RT @EpicTweets_: Cashier: "Is that everything?" … "Uhh, no, I'd also like all this invisible sh*t" #
- RT @NathansReality: dear internet; please stop with the ads that start talking on their own. sincerely, i just had a heart attack. #
- RT @AYYSIAN: You're annoying me. Go play in traffic. #
- RT @rodney_at_large: Don't forget to set your clocks up 1 year tomorrow. #
- RT @NathansReality: The sound of people eating irritates the shit out of me. So I moved to Africa #
- RT @DamnItsTrue: Admit it, you've lied to get out of hanging out with someone. #
- RT @Laughbook: I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA… #
- RT @NathansReality: A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i don't know" she said "omg! nobody does!" #
- RT @NathansReality: I'm so clever that sometimes even I can't figure out what i'm doing.. #
- RT @NathansReality: Everybody rubs her tummy and says 'congrats', but nobody rubs my balls and says 'good job'.. #
- RT @DamnItsTrue: Smart people have plans, BUT stupid people have stories. #
- RT @girlposts: I don't hate people, I just feel better when some of them aren't around. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: If couples who are in love are called love bird, then couples who argue should be called angry birds. #
- RT @comedyortruth: I flip my pillow to get to the cool side. Only me?
# - RT @Laughbook: I'm not clumsy It's just the floor hates me; the tables and chairs are bullies; & the wall just gets in the way #
- RT @NathansReality: theres some people I'm so close to that When I get a text from them, I can hear their voice reading it to me. #
- RT @Laughbook: *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds. #
- RT @nealbrennan: Shots are the turbo button for drunk. #
- RT @NathansReality: What if one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that your whole life was a dream.
. # - RT @Smethanie: If men had a vagina for a day, they would never leave the room they were in when they discovered they had a vagina for a day. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @Paxochka: If you have boobs and pay for your own drugs or alcohol, you don't have nice boobs. #
- RT @NathansReality: Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest just want to have something to gossip about. #
- RT @comedyortruth: I think Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little too seriously. #
- RT @technopriest5: Is Carpal Tunnel syndrome brought on by masturbation covered by workman's comp if the injury occurred at work? #
- RT @NathansReality: If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: BREAKING NEWS: Dora suffers from a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.. #
- RT @NathansReality: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time #
- RT @matttuff: Grandma's having another one of her seizures in case any of you need some paint cans mixed. #
- RT @goonumbertwo: If there isn't already a grain delivery business called "Haulin' Oats," there fucking needs to be. #
- RT @NathansReality: When life gives you lemons, Make a Milkshake They'll never see it coming. #
- RT @comedyortruth: FRIENDS- Buy you food. BESTFRIENDS- Eat your food. #
- RT @krazymama3: I need to go to Target. I am going to take a baby doll and a blanket and pretend I am breast feeding while I shop. #
- RT @funnyoneliners: Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I'm not positive I am thinking. #
- RT @NathansReality: Have you ever changed a whole text message just because you didn't know how to spell one word #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: I've come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it,.. It always belongs to the uglier one. #
- RT @NathansReality: I end all my texts with
<3
because my ball sack always wears a party hat. # - RT @NathansReality: Music teacher: What is your favourite musical instrument? Fat kid: The lunch bell. #
- RT @NathansReality: Excuse me while I sneeze, sorry but I'm allergic to bullshit. #
- RT @NathansReality: Today, the whole world came crashing down on me. So I got some tape and stuck the map back onto the wall. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: Charging your phone for 5 minutes before you leave, because you think it will make a difference. #
- RT @NathansReality: How are u feeling 2day? like a tampon… In a good place. At the wrong time. #
- RT @NathansReality: Me: If you were on a bus full of gay guys would you get off?
Friend: Yeah. wait… no…. sh*t # - RT @SpacemanQuisp: I'm pretty sure the first person to mix potatoes and mayo in a bowl and call it a "salad" was a guy. #
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2011-12-28
December 28th, 2011
No Comments
- RT @michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think. #
- RT @NoSpankYou: When the choice is either guilt or regret, go with guilt… #
- RT @Joshinator: This person called me a liar earlier, but my pants weren't even on fire, so it shows how much they know. #
- RT @nesayeas: The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of google's search results. #
- RT @Joshinator: I'll gladly pay you tomorrow, for a blowjob today. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @tamytoo2: My boyfriend thinks my husband is too "clingy" #
- RT @zombot: I can't bend spoons with my mind, but I can cut a floating wad of toilet paper in half with my pee. #
- RT @technopriest5: I passed 'rock bottom' 3 layers ago. #
- RT @SlappNuttz: I tried to use "dick" as my computer password, but my computer said that my password was too small. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Just because a person smiles all the time, doesn't mean their life is perfect. #
- RT @BorowitzReport: You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get the time spent with your relatives back. #
- RT @SocialBuzz: Still more than a year away and all the stores have their Christmas stuff up already. Unbelievable. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Rumors? Impressive bitch. At least you're spreading something else besides your legs. #
- RT @SlappNuttz: My favorite sex position is the one where I don't get sprayed with mace. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: i look back on some of the stupidest stuff we've done and think, this is why we're best friends. #
- RT @MrFornicator: Thanks for wiping down my table… a damp surface that smells like a dirty sweat sock is so much better than a few crumbs. #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: It's Impossible to Read my mind. Because sometimes, I don't even know what's going on in there…♥ #
- RT @iSlapUrSwag: Relationships are like farts.You shouldnt force one that's not there,or the end result could be shitty. #
- RT @RealChuckie: Getting shampoo in your eye and accepting the fact you'll be blind forever. #
- RT @BestAt: RT @donni: The scariest part of Space Camp is space bears. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: I hate that feeling you get when you have an insanely good comeback… but its way after the argument. #
- RT @comedyortruth: That awkward moment when you're telling the truth but you're laughing so everyone thinks you're lying. #
- RT @matttuff: I'm pretty much a god at snatching flies up in midair with a vacuum cleaner.
I'm the futuristic Mr. Miyagi. # - RT @EllieM72: Yes, I did it. No, I'm not sorry. And yes, I'm already plotting out the next time I'll do it. #
- RT @BorowitzReport: Other countries care for their mentally ill. It seems cruel to just let them wander around Iowa. #
- RT @comedyortruth: "You're like a coin." "Awh, valuable?" "No, two-faced." #
- RT @Laughbook: Checking your phone to see what time it is and checking it again because the first time you weren't paying attention. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: "Low Battery, connect charger!" Um, you're a smart phone, connect yourself. #
- RT @Laughbook: I didn't run into anyone I know today. Guess who's wearing the exact same thing tomorrow. #
- RT @SarcasticRylie: Before you say you want a fairytale romance, remember that someone almost always dies in fairytales. #
- RT @JordyHamrick: If you listen closely to AM radio static, you can hear your ancestors fucking. #
- RT @Laughbook: There will always be a song in our playlist which we always skip, but never delete. #
- RT @nesayeas: Tigger: Pooh bear, can I get some of that honey?
Pooh: Tigga Please!!!!! # - RT @iSlapUrSwag: LMAO – Lick Me All Over #
- RT @Laf_Loudly: Grammer Lesson:If More Than One Mouse is Mice,Then More Than One Spouse Shud Be Spice !! #
- RT @Laughbook: You know its a good story when it starts with.. "So this b*tch.." #
- RT @TheNewElement1: I'm just gonna say it…I know what a egg is but what in the holy fuck is a nog? #
- RT @Laughbook: I delete and retype my entire password if I think I mistyped one letter. #
- RT @FilthyRichmond: Fast food workers should be required to say "Eww." as they hand you your order. #
- RT @funnyoneliners: Don't think of it as a flu shot. Think of it as installing virus protection software. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: If the people in horror movies listened to me they would still be alive. #
- RT @Laughbook: When I die, I want someone to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out. #
- RT @funnyoneliners: They're eating scorpions on Fear Factor. If they pass this round it's onto my mom's fruit cake.
RT @DavidKlein5 # - RT @funnyorfact: Dear 2012, I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, 9/11 and Swine Flu. Now it's your turn, Bring it on. #NewYearisComing #
- RT @PatheticPaul: New MacBook for Christmas…
$2,000 porn machine. #
- RT @SarcasticRylie: I hate my neighbours. Not because they are having really loud sex, but because I am not. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Every time I lose my phone… its always on either silent or vibrate. how convenient… #
- RT @idillionaire: Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible. #
- RT @KlassyFucker: Being on Vacation is great because calories don't count outside your area code. #
- RT @CandyCrisis: I love puppies! But not in a sexual way. That would be sick. They're too young. #
- RT @SocialBuzz: No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with! #
- RT @donni: It's bullshit that cheeseburgers aren't made entirely out of cheese. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere. #
- RT @nesayeas: Word of advice: Taking a piss while holding hot coffee and sneezing does not end well. #
- RT @SamGrittner: I attached Siri to my Roomba and I think I just made Rosie from 'The Jetsons.' #
- RT @LIFECOACHERS: Merry Boozemas. #
- RT @funnyoneliners: The leading cause of erectile dysfunction are the words, "We need to talk."
RT @shariv67 # - RT @nesayeas: Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. #
- RT @NikiWithIssues: Screw romance. If your pick up line is so dorky it makes me laugh my ass off, you're getting my number. #
- RT @NotesForGirls: Everybody thinks that a girl's dream Is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT. #
- RT @Smethanie: The only time a guy cares about a girl's hair is when she's tying it up to give him a blowjob. #
- RT @capricecrane: You'd be surprised how much time it can take to do absolutely nothing. #
- RT @EpicTweets_: My cup of care, \_/. Oh look, it's empty.. #
- RT @nesayeas: Dear "cool people", They didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, Nerds #
- RT @seriouslyemily: Do you think Kim and Kourtney call Khloe "Lardassian?" I bet they do!!! #
- RT @NikiWithIssues: If you're into girls who throw shoes and Xbox controllers at you when they're on their period, I'm your dream girl. #
- RT @funnyorfact: Merry Christmas : A kid wrote Santa, "please, send me a brother." #SantaOf2011 wrote back "send me your mother." #
- RT @Ron_White: I have a hunch Blitzen is the only reindeer who would be any good at football. #
- RT @SlappNuttz: All I want for Christmas is for it to be over. #
- RT @comedyortruth: I've never seen a tombstone with a message that says- Died from not forwarding that text to 10 friends. #
- RT @Coy0teUgly: The car in front of me at Starbucks paid for my order. I do believe. I do believe! #
- RT @BorowitzReport: BREAKING: Kim Jong-Il's Son Trades Entire Nuclear Arsenal for XBox #
- RT @nesayeas: Who else pushes in all the buttons on the soft drink lids? #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: if i had a dollar for every person that thought i was cute, i'd have one dollar. thanks mom. #
- RT @JerryThomas: Just a reminder, there's still time to buy me a gift. (Preferably anonymously, so I don't have to thank you.) #
- RT @nesayeas: Are you home? No? I just answered my HOME phone from a batcave. #
- RT @MrBrownEye2: If I was Santa, I'd pass on the milk 'n cookies and just go straight for the medicine cabinets. #
- RT @TheNewElement1: Still can't decide what to get my pet rock for Christmas. #
- RT @FactsBook: 15 percent of Americans secretly bite their toes. #
- RT @EmmaWillmann: this smart water isnt working #
- RT @nesayeas: Dear Cupid, next time if you're going to shoot me, shoot her too. Sincerely, falling for nothing #
- RT @nesayeas: When I give an asian girl a quickie I call it a panda express #
- RT @Laughbook: Dear Sleep, I'm sorry I hated you when I was little, but now I can't get enough of you. #
- RT @NikiWithIssues: We don't mean to brag, but women can have sex whenever the fuck we want. #
- RT @nesayeas: Tweeting while driving means I care enough about you that I would die for you. #
- RT @SpacemanQuisp: I hate it when I get visions of dancing sugar plums stuck in my head. #
- RT @comedyortruth: Pay no attention to those who talk behind your back. It simply means you are two steps ahead. #
- RT @robfee: Ever been so drunk you come back from the bathroom and it's yesterday? #
- RT @juicymorsel: I was going to exfoliate tonight. But on closer inspection, it's better if I let a monkey chew my face off and start over. #
- RT @nesayeas: Good News: Kims dead. Bad News: It's not one of the Kardashians.
# - RT @clarkekant: If you put wheels on the Capitol building, it would officially become the world's largest clown car. #
- RT @HerPersonalSun: I'm standing under the mistletoe, but I would rather be under the camel toe! #
- RT @FreddyAmazin: The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs. #
- RT @nesayeas: You know you're fat when you drop something and think to yourself "Do I really need it?" #
- RT @nesayeas: The best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked before… #
- RT @nesayeas: Santa goes to your house, down your chimney, and watches you while you sleep and everyone adores him.
But I do it ONE time… # - RT @funnyorfact: The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. #
- RT @funnyorfact: "How do you know google is a girl..?" She won't let you complete the whole sentence before she starts guessing & suggesting #
- RT @EpicTweets_: Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! we get fatter and stupid. #
- RT @Kyle_Lippert: FYI: The cocaine you snorted was once inside of another human's asshole. #
- RT @nesayeas: Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. #
